“More Work For Mother: The Ironies of Household Technology From The Open Hearth To The Microwave,” by Ruth Schwartz Cowan is one of those iconic writings that remains relevant, even in the midst of a pandemic. Women, even those who have partners, but especially those who are heads of households have been left strung out by the dizzying amount of house work that they alone must do.
Food preparation—breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack, and finally dishes—swallows swaths of time. Remote learning means that paid work or needed rest is often interrupted. And let’s not forget about the damn laundry! Social isolation means that caretakers or help from family is not available. And, even when a partner is available, the “homemaker” is still targeted for these additional chores.
A recent New York Times article described the results of a survey about housework and outlined what we already knew—-men believe that they contribute more that they actually do!
Before this is further cemented as the norm, delegate specific tasks to everybody in the house.
To start, never confuse self-care with selfishness. Second, delegating effectively means giving up on the notion of perfection.
Children, six and above, can expertly navigate the Ipad, Nintendo switch, and Zoom. Also, they can’t wait to get back to soccer practice and swim meets. Which means they can run down the stairs to put clothes in the washer and press a few buttons. There are lots of tools on how to assign chores to children, including verywellfamily.com and parents.com, for example. Make a chart, assign age appropriate tasks, and dedicate a period of time to do the chores together before cutting the umbilical cord.
The same thing follows with the dishes, someone else can load and press buttons, it doesn’t always have to be you. But don’t sit, pout and stew in resentment. Ask for what you need and be specific, “I need you to load the dishwasher, turn on the machine, wipe down the counter, and sweep the floors.”
For this to work, let go of the Superwoman Syndrome. Resolve to let go of bad stress. Send the teenager or partner to the grocery store with a list, and don’t freak out if they buy the wrong brand. It really does not make a difference if they buy Prego instead of Ragu.
In the long run, everybody will appreciate what it takes to keep a house running. They will wonder how you have managed to do it all by yourself. More importantly, you will have acted to preserve your health and peace of mind.
There you have it. Spread the word.
~Juliet_MD~
]]>
1 of 3 Americans do not get enough sleep.
The average person needs 7 hours of sleep. There are many ill effects of not getting enough rest. Without enough rest, heart disease, diabetes, and stroke will lurk in your future. Also, depression and psychosis are two other illnesses that are caused by sleep debt. And if you’re not worried about going crazy, you should worry about gaining weight. We eat more when we are tired. The hunger hormone, ghrelin, is released when we don’t sleep, leading to overeating. That craving for ice-cream may just be a call to get some rest! And, let’s not forget that tired people do not have good sex.
Take action. Take sleep seriously.
“Sleep is about the preservation of life itself.”
Start with these tips:
Avoid alcohol. Besides the dehydration that is shaken into any good cocktail, alcohol interferes with the ability to sleep deeply.
Turn off the lights. Our culture of always being “on” is a major disruptor of our circadian rhythm, our natural sleep cycle. Our bodies should ideally rest and wake in tandem with sunrise and sunset. When its dark, Melatonin, the “hormone of darkness,” is released. This biochemical signals the body to relax. The bright lights, the television, the computer, and the phones, all interfere with how the body naturally prepares for sleep.
Exercise. Exercise is one of the best ways to release stress from the body, and movement also releases endorphins, “feel good” hormones that will help you to relax.
Why We SLEEP
Practice good sleep hygiene. Go to bed! You’re are better able to problem-solve and concentrate if you have had a good nights’ sleep. If you are totally exhausted, it’s better to get up early to finish that project, than to stay up late in an attempt to force your brain to work.
The American Academy of Sleep Medicine sponsors a great website: Sleep Education. This is a great resource to learn about specific sleep issues like shift work, sleep apnea, snoring, jet lag, etc.
We are living in what is, for many of us, the most tumultuous period of our lives. Sleep right, eat right, and exercise. We will get through this, in one piece, if you take care of yourself.
There you have it. Now spread the word.
~Juliet_MD~
1.“The Science of Sleep”, National Geographic, August 2018
]]>Second, add a little self-actualization. Who are you? When you take away the kids, the job, the partner, the friends…who are you? Take thirty days, more if you have to, just to figure that out. Once you are able to clearly define yourself, commit to doing ONE THING, everyday, that aligns with your true self. When all of those “one things” add up, you will find your joy, and quench that unyielding yearning for something “more to life than this”. Today, not New Year’s Day, today is the first day of the rest of your life.
There you have it; spread the word.
~JulietMD~
BelowtheBellyButton.com
]]>Do less.
Don’t indulge in wanton consumerism. Don’t buy anything that you wouldn’t by in March, unless the item has been on your planned shopping list—since March. If your beloved Fit bit has a cracked screen, waiting for a good deal is, indeed, a great idea.
Don’t wrap yourself in the pumped-up, fleeting, joviality of company parties and after work meetups. Do surround yourself with the warm, cadenced company of the people who are there for you—everyday.
Don’t feel pressured to have a new man/woman/person in your bed. Do use you PTO to spend some time alone. It’s the best time of year to spend time reflecting, and being introspective.
Do make the holidays yours. A time to ground yourself, and stay grounded. The time to start anew is today, not on January first when you’re ten pounds heavier and your disposable income has dwindled down to the bare essentials.
It can be the best time of the year, if you do it right.
Merry Christmas Everybody!
There you have it; now spread the word.
September is Suicide Awareness Month. So, let consider the following:
We live in our bodies; the flesh allows us to interact with the world. But what if this exchange is colored by constant turmoil, and pain. Is it easier to just…leave? Forty seven thousand people killed themselves in 2017. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among people between the ages of 10 and 34.
Suicide is hard to think about.
Consider, the dead cyber-bullied thirteen year-old whose body slid off the stretcher, in the elevator, as she was being transported to the morgue. They forgot to use the strap, and her tiny little thirteen year-old “remains” sloshed around inside the too-big black body bag. I watched the transport team struggle to get the body back unto the stretcher. I didn’t help; it was bad enough that I had to ride the elevator with a self-inflicted act so poisonous it might as well have been the plague. I wasn’t going to touch it. The notion of suicide is emotionally uncomfortable.
When my beloved friend, a recovering addict, said to me, “I know how it feels to not want to be here anymore” I was silent. What do you say to someone who admits to a most morbid desire, and who embraces death so readily? How do you comfort such a person? Suicide is discombobulating.
Eight months ago, my sister-friend called to tell me she was called to a funeral. An eighteen year-old super-star scientist rigged equipment in his dorm room that poisoned him while he slept. He was his mother’s pride and joy. “I’m so sorry to hear that” was all I could mutter.” Suicide kills.
The American Association for Suicide Prevention has a great website with videos, classes, and others tools that teach you about the mental health states that lead to suicide; prepare you to talk about suicide; and, educate you about the grief process.
You can be the voice that changes a student’s perspective; that modulates a loved-one’s expectations; or that helps someone comply with prescribed medication.
A thought of suicide is the beginning; it doesn’t have to be the end.
~JulietMD~
]]>
Stress is an addiction that causes insomnia and weight gain. Moreover, it leads to other harmful self-soothing habits like smoking; excessive alcohol use; and even—I dare say it—running until your toes bleed.
The endless rumination over the checklist can be comforting. Working the struggle lends purpose to one’s life. And, as with all addictions, the mind yearns for the familiar soothing that come from stress.
Take the example of the flat tire on the way to work. Even if the tire was repaired and the incident caused no delay, there are those who give life to this event by allowing it to remain the focal, most important thing that happened on that day, foregoing all the wonderful things that may have occurred.
How does one withdraw from this stress addiction?
Withdrawal is agonizing and emotionally painful. Without something to stress about, one would have to look inward; face old demons; and, define one’s purpose in this world. Too big? Too scary? Is it easier to live a life ever focused on everything external?
Meditation is probably the best pathway to withdrawing from stress. Meditation is simply carving out a few minutes to actively focus on positive things; to slow down the racing thoughts; and to be still in the midst of chaos, and the unknown.
Start by reading Dr. Deepak Chopra’s article, “7 Myths of Meditation”. In his article he writes, “The real purpose of meditation isn’t to tune out and get away from it all but to tune in and get in touch with your true Self…”
Try it.
For the last year, I’ve been using Deepak&Oprah online meditation. They often have free 21-meditaion exercises—each one lasts about twenty minuets. Or, check around your neighborhood to see if there is a meditation group that you can join. There are many opportunities to refresh, renew, and detoxify—to learn to experience our daily lives with more attention, and more peace.
Namaste.
There you have it. Now spread the word!
]]>When people are divorcing, they are often filled with intense anxiety. They feel compelled to solve whatever is causing their anxiety—sometimes before they are ready to do so. All too often, they want to alleviate the anxiety even before they have the information that they need to solve the problem in the best way. They might be missing “outside” information such as having a grasp on the marital finances. They might also need to clarify “inside” information—how people see the problem, how they understand themselves and their situation, and how they perceive the other party in the divorce.
People often become fixated on one particular desired result, such as the keeping marital house or a paying off a debt that has been weighing on them. This ultimately will lead them to positional thinking: It’s my way or the highway. These are problems that can better be understood with additional information. Exploring each person’s internal questions and perspective more fully, however, can help alleviate the anxious and lead to synergistic problem solving.
The Impact of Positional Thinking
It is easy to understand the desire to alleviate anxiety and it’s easy to understand taking positions, but what about the other party? It takes two to enter a marriage and two to get divorced. When one person is entrenched in their position, they see the other person’s perspective as being wrong or misguided—or evil. I use that word on purpose. Even though most divorcing people don’t usually say the word “evil” to describe their estranged spouses, I think that is really what many of them mean. It’s a black-and-white term, and assigning the label of “evil” is shorthand for “this person is always wrong.” That leads to polarizing demands and the worsening of a problem that is simply not going away.
Better Solutions and Best Outcomes
If you have a divorce-related problem, you may be very anxious about it—for good reason. You struggled to find a solution in your mind that could work for you. Finally, after many sleepless nights, you identified a way to quiet the anxiety that was tearing you apart, and you decided to take strong (even unyielding) position about the issue that is causing you the most angst, be it a division of property, spousal support, child custody, or some other contentious issue. But at what cost? Will this position really work as a solution? Will your former spouse feel treated fairly? (Hint: if not, the plan is likely to fail.) Does your plan include often unattended “little details” that can turn into to enormous headaches down the road?
When I see my clients experiencing pressure to do one thing or another in order to quiet the discomfort they feel, I have found it useful to remind them that short-term stress and anxiety won’t kill them even if it is extremely uncomfortable.
In non-litigated divorces, such as collaborative law and mediation, parties are given the opportunity to look beneath and within their positions to understand them better, acknowledge how other people—including their estranged spouse—might see the problem and possibly shift enough to see a better solution. Instead of maintaining an inflexible position that may do them more harm than good, they collaborate with experienced divorce professionals who help them understand their situation better and through that understanding achieve the best outcomes.
Contact me with questions or comments at [email protected].
Katherine Miller
914-738-7765
]]>