When people are divorcing, they are often filled with intense anxiety. They feel compelled to solve whatever is causing their anxiety—sometimes before they are ready to do so. All too often, they want to alleviate the anxiety even before they have the information that they need to solve the problem in the best way. They might be missing “outside” information such as having a grasp on the marital finances. They might also need to clarify “inside” information—how people see the problem, how they understand themselves and their situation, and how they perceive the other party in the divorce.
People often become fixated on one particular desired result, such as the keeping marital house or a paying off a debt that has been weighing on them. This ultimately will lead them to positional thinking: It’s my way or the highway. These are problems that can better be understood with additional information. Exploring each person’s internal questions and perspective more fully, however, can help alleviate the anxious and lead to synergistic problem solving.
The Impact of Positional Thinking
It is easy to understand the desire to alleviate anxiety and it’s easy to understand taking positions, but what about the other party? It takes two to enter a marriage and two to get divorced. When one person is entrenched in their position, they see the other person’s perspective as being wrong or misguided—or evil. I use that word on purpose. Even though most divorcing people don’t usually say the word “evil” to describe their estranged spouses, I think that is really what many of them mean. It’s a black-and-white term, and assigning the label of “evil” is shorthand for “this person is always wrong.” That leads to polarizing demands and the worsening of a problem that is simply not going away.
Better Solutions and Best Outcomes
If you have a divorce-related problem, you may be very anxious about it—for good reason. You struggled to find a solution in your mind that could work for you. Finally, after many sleepless nights, you identified a way to quiet the anxiety that was tearing you apart, and you decided to take strong (even unyielding) position about the issue that is causing you the most angst, be it a division of property, spousal support, child custody, or some other contentious issue. But at what cost? Will this position really work as a solution? Will your former spouse feel treated fairly? (Hint: if not, the plan is likely to fail.) Does your plan include often unattended “little details” that can turn into to enormous headaches down the road?
When I see my clients experiencing pressure to do one thing or another in order to quiet the discomfort they feel, I have found it useful to remind them that short-term stress and anxiety won’t kill them even if it is extremely uncomfortable.
In non-litigated divorces, such as collaborative law and mediation, parties are given the opportunity to look beneath and within their positions to understand them better, acknowledge how other people—including their estranged spouse—might see the problem and possibly shift enough to see a better solution. Instead of maintaining an inflexible position that may do them more harm than good, they collaborate with experienced divorce professionals who help them understand their situation better and through that understanding achieve the best outcomes.
Contact me with questions or comments at [email protected].
Katherine Miller
914-738-7765
]]>
“Better Sleep for a Better Sex Life.” Nicholas Bakalar reported on a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. How timely is this article, because March is National Sleep Awareness Month! And, according to the National Sleep Foundation, sleep deprivation is one of the leading causes of poor health. If you are lucky enough to have someone in your life with whom you can have partnered sex, a healthy sex life, makes for a healthy life.
If for no other reason than to preserve your sex life, take action. Ongoing insomnia should be taken seriously.
Say “No” more often.
Remember to let go of the things you cannot control.
Turn off the TV and all electronic devices.
Use your bedroom only for relaxation, sleep and sex
Put on some music.
Take a warm bath while sipping on some camomile tea.
Go to bed!
It all else fails, see your doctor.
There you have it, now spread the word!
Keep in mind, men suffer from some of the same ailments that women do, namely emotional and relationship problems that get them down…no pun intended.
But, I wanted to alert you about the fact that erectile dysfunction can be a sign of serious medical problems like coronary heart disease, hypertension and diabetes. Diabetes can affect the penile nerves and atherosclerosis (build up of fatty material like cholesterol in the arteries) also affects the penis!
More than one third of men between the ages of 40 and 70 suffer from moderate to severe ED. That’s a lot…probably includes someone you know. Seventy four per cent of men are too embarrassed to discuss erectile dysfunction with their physicians, but since it is often a result of disease, it can also alert physicians that an undiagnosed problem is at the root cause.
Of course, we have all heard about Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis. I want to remind you that some men cannot use these medications because of heart problems. For those who cannot use these medications however, there is a wide range of other therapies that a urologist or primary care physician can offer. There is something available for every man.
There it is, now spread the word!
]]>